Short story essay: Blank

You will never understand my reasons so I don't feel the need to tell you...

A bullshit excuse. A lie so fake. She is a lie.

All she was, was an ideal. Some hope of something that she encouraged knowing how it would end: Her leaving.

Here is my story on how I became blank again. 

I came out, I fell for a girl, she said she loved me, she called me her friend, ended our relationship with no honest reason, she still considers me a friend. "Annabel... You have lost me completely".

This is the other side of the first story. This the other truth to a fake relationship. This is what I fought against, and now I tell you.

It was May and I fell in love. My world was filled with wonder and colour and I was inspired again. There was so much chaos around me, but I felt like she was someone worth fighting over. She was a hope and dream worth my time, effort, energy and love.

I knew though, that I was the cause of our meeting. She would not have spoken to me or crossed my path if I had not initiated contact first. She was a scapegoat to me... a stress reliever. A distraction from myself. To her, I was something to be fed, cuddled, played with and may be once in while, chased. For some reason, we were in dire need for engagement. She did this for me. I played along. I got too invested, and I became the role I was playing. This is the me she got to know. This is the me she will ever know. The one in turmoil, the one that's broken, the dependent variable in her life.

This is her. She thought she wanted me, because I wanted her. 

She thought that she was my friend, because I became her friend without her initiation.

She thought she wanted the hopes that she spoke of, until she realised that everything that she had the entire year with me, was just for me. She had no benefit from us whatsoever. I was an attachment. She didn't need me. She wanted me, because it is the only appropriate response to have when someone wants you.

It took her a year, and a ton of string (of stringing me along), to conclude that I am not what she wants. I have no place in her life. And her bullshit excuse is supposed to make me feel better. 

I don't know why I want her to admit that she fell out of love...or that she was never in love at all. It is quite the challenge to differentiate infatuation from truly being in love. Which she was clearly not.

"Annabel, why do you villainise yourself? I don't understand. Just speak up!"

This is what played in the back of my mind. The truths facing me every time I looked into her eyes. kissed her lips. Held her. Told her that I loved her. The knowledge of knowing that your love has not ever penetrated the core of a person, while still trying...This is why I am angry at myself.

I am upset for damaging myself intentionally. For consciously fighting for a heart that, looking back, didn't even fight for me. Not once.

She was never in love. She wanted to be. She wanted to believe our dream and wishes. She wanted it.

But she has not learnt the art of fighting for what you want. She doesn't know that the more I looked into her eyes and communicated with her soul, that after three months of being together, we were over in her life. She just strung me along out of desire and courtesy.

This is a truth I faced every moment of being with her. But I wanted her! To some extent I needed her... I fought for what I wanted... I kept fighting.

Now it is over. She could never tell me what she wanted. I was just a bullshit excuse to her too. She is in some form of denial, from my perspective, because she won't be honest enough with me.

I am left blank again. This is history repeating itself. My heart knows this betrayal. I don't want to reject her, but I am rejecting her friendship. I do not want any relation with someone who does not believe in me or my ability to understand. I do not want any relation with someone who gets upset with me upon inquiry for closure. 

I am blank. All I feel is hurt and betrayal. I don't trust myself with my heart anymore, because of this faux love-story. 

I came out. I fell in love. She was never in love. She debunked our love. She fell out of love. I am blank. She is not a villain. She is just someone trying to find her path.

She is the mirror that I broke.